Discretion Advised


penis discretion

Man talk is nothing new. Go to any bar, any barbecue, any barbershop in America, and you’ll hear men shooting the s**t about women, sports, women, cars, women, tools, women… did I mention women?

The Internet has simultaneously increased the sophistication and the vulgarity of man talk. On the one hand, hashtags like #WomanCrushWednesday connect men (and women) from all over the world to talk about women they like and find attractive. Dudes you don’t know from Adam and probably would never strike up a conversation with can join in with you to view pictures of the flavor of the week and type wish Tweets (“man, you don’t know what I’d do to that #wcw…”). On the other hand, there are hashtags like #WYPO that, when you really start to break them down, really make you wonder whether you should throw up or throw your computer out the window.

For those who don’t know, WYPO is short for “would you pull out?” It refers to the practice of a man removing his penis from a woman just before ejaculation to prevent pregnancy. Men who participate in #WYPO comment on various pictures of scantily clad/naked women and say whether they would pull out if they were having unprotected sex with them… and here’s where I take issue.

Since the dawn of time, men have been saddled with the stereotype that we’ll stick our wangs in anything, just about. When I was out there trying to get my willy wet, I often noticed that a woman may have seemed cool before I hit, but afterward she became a royal pain in the ass, trying to lock me into a relationship, annoying me with silly questions about any and everything, and so on. I wasn’t into that, but God forbid I tell this woman before our clothes ever came off – why, she may not want to have sex with me if I told her I just wanted a casual fling! It’s not like there are literally thousands of women who are ok just getting laid without commitment. Then there were the women who were there for convenience; Lord knows I wouldn’t be caught dead with these beasts in public, but they were ok to call over, get one off on and send home before Momma came back from work.

1-21

It wasn’t my fault I lived on the sixth floor…

For hundreds of years, we’ve had to deal with the ugly side of sex, namely that while it may feel great, we may not want to deal with what may come out of it, like a baby or a disease. We’ve tried all sorts of things to prevent the former, like only approving of sex within the confines of marriage, the aforementioned pull-out technique, but I don’t think anyone had figured out how to avoid the latter. But now we’ve got this fabulous new thing called the condom! Now a man can kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. So color me confruzzled when I hear about cats who even joke about having unprotected sex with women they don’t even know, just because they look good. I’m sure the chick who gave Eazy-E AIDS was bad, but you saw what happened to him. It’s funny because almost every man reading this has or knows a man who has a baby mama he doesn’t get along with. I think more men need to practice d**k discretion.

D**k discretion is the practice by which men can participate in relationships/casual sex and experience the least amount of stress and repercussions. Often, it involves passing up on courting or trying to have sex with really attractive and/or available women for the sake of your peace of mind, dignity, and health. The first thing you have to do to practice d**k discretion is be honest with yourself about what you want from your interactions with women – do you want an actual relationship, or do you just want to get a nut off? I’m not advocating one or the other, I’m just telling you to be honest with yourself about it.

The second thing you have to do to improve your d**k discretion is be honest with the women you talk to about what you want. If you have no intentions of being serious with her, tell her. Make sure she’s under no illusions about you and what you two could be, no matter how well you put it down in the bedroom. Fail to communicate and next thing you know she’s thinking you’re husband and wife, and you’re thinking you’re just humping buddies. While you’re at it, don’t send mixed signals. If you want this woman as your girl/wife, treat her that way. Make an effort. If you wouldn’t give this chick a rag to wipe the nut off her face, treat her that way. The easiest way to add stress to a casual situation is to give bed buddies wife treatment.

#jumpoff

#jumpoffstatus

The third thing you have to do is listen. No, I’m serious. Really listen to the woman when she talks. Stop trying to see down her shirt. Take your eyes off her ass. Listen to the words that are coming out of her mouth. Better still, listen to the words that aren’t coming out of her mouth. If you read between the lines, you will find out what her deal is faster than Bill Cosby can drug a drink. No matter how bad she is, no woman, I repeat, no woman is worth a headache. Life is too short for that.

The fourth thing you have to do is stop falling for thirst traps. You know what I’m talking about. You see a chick on Instagram showing off her new tongue ring, and like a trained dog you’re on your phone typing “Yo what dat mouth do,” just like she wants. Women like this aren’t really looking to do anything. They just want validation through likes and lewd comments, because they don’t know how to make men like them in any substantial way. They’re low-hanging fruit, and d**k discretion demands you climb that tree for sweeter pickings, even if you just take a bite and throw it away afterwards.

Finally, you must do what Frank T.J. Mackey in Magnolia once said, and that is…

respect the cock

“What do you mean, Charlie Biggs?” Well, whip it out. Whoa, whoa, whoa, perv, I didn’t mean on the bus! I meant in a bathroom stall or in the privacy of your own home. Put that away, idiot, there are children present!

Ugh. What I mean is we as men have to start placing more value on our d**ks. This is not a 50¢ newspaper, this is a mint-condition copy of Amazing Fantasy #15, autographed by Stan Lee himself. This isn’t some rag you read on your way to work, this is the first appearance of Spider-Man! This is worth something, goddamn it! You’re only gonna get one of these. And since you’re only gonna get one, you can’t afford to let it get damaged, so what are you gonna do? Well, you’re gonna wrap it up in plastic. You’re only gonna show this to folks who can appreciate it and what it represents. Folks who won’t try to claim it as their own. Folks who will give it back when you ask for it and won’t get jealous if you show other people.

Their d**k...

Their d**k…

... my d**k. Any questions?

… my d**k. Any questions?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Think of it in terms of supply and demand. Anything that can be easily supplied loses value, and thus demand, because anybody can have it. People take it for granted. But if you make it less available and/or convince people that your thing truly is better than everyone else’s, they’re gonna wanna know why. Your d**k becomes a legend. Your d**k is discussed in hushed tones. Your d**k is a luxury item, not some bargain bin crap from the 99¢ store. Believe it or not, any idiot can purchase a bottle of Moët Rosé. Not everybody can cop a $1.8M limited edition bottle of Goût de Diamants. Be Diamants, doggy! You let a chick know she can keep slumming it with random d**k, or she can step her game up and have your d**k.
What do you think, Alarmers? Leave your comments below.
 

About Charlie Biggs

Charlie Biggs is the tall, dark, and devilishly handsome host, writer and co-producer of The Alarmed Show. A native of Brooklyn, NY, he enjoys music, movies, and books. Biggs lives in New Jersey with his wife and daughter.