Everything Wrong With Blade: Trinity


When I reviewed Blade: Trinity for Black Time Nerd Theater way back when, I don’t think I fully conveyed how completely botched and, dare I say, unnecessary that movie was. We all love Ryan Reynolds now for his portrayal of Deadpool (and I’ll admit it’s a damn good movie), but before that we had a total of twelve years of him butt-f**king comic book movies that, quite frankly, I can’t forget. Trinity took established characters and premises from its own previous movies and ruined them. It was unsalvageable without a complete rewrite, and my problems with it are many. If you haven’t seen Blade: Trinity, first of all, let me say: good. If you plan to, turn back now, because spoilers abound here:

 

  • In the first movie Blade says he knows a vampire by their movements and how they smell. Why didn’t he know the guy he staked wasn’t a vampire? I guess the broken leg makes movement hard to tell from a human’s, but what about the smell? Did the guy spray Eau de Suck on himself before he went out?
  • Where is this movie taking place? I ask because Whistler talks to a guy in Esperanto, the Esperanto flag is seen twice and Hannibal King is shown watching Incubus, a William Shatner film entirely in Esperanto, and yet the FBI is here. Is this even American soil?
  • Why did Whistler only give Blade a split-second warning before he blew himself to s**t?
  • Blade actually keeps count of how many familiars he’s killed? And it’s 1,182? Goddamn! Why did Whistler only NOW lecture Blade about why killing humans is a bad thing? For that matter, why are there only two FBI agents tracking him? I know they probably can’t tie ALL the murders to Blade, but surely they can do enough to warrant a bigger response than Token Black Agent and Ajax from The Warriors. I mean, the man is singlehandedly responsible for almost 1,200 kills; it’s the kind of death toll that would make Osama bin Laden do a double take. Fuck’s sake!
  • Why do the agents and the psychiatrist keep calling him “Blade?” Why wouldn’t they call him by his real name, Eric Brooks?
  • “Don’t fuck with my thing!” — I don’t know what it is, but somehow that line is funnier than just about everything Ryan Reynolds says in this movie. The worst part is that it couldn’t possibly have been in the script.
  • Abby’s arrows are apparently on loan from Hawkeye, because they can ricochet off plaster walls and yet drill through metal doors. A little consistency, folks, that’s all I want.
  • “Blade! You’re dead!” Grimwood! You’re an idiot! You had the drop on the dhampir vampire-killer your kind has been trying to kill for years… and then shouted that you were going to kill him. F**k me, this movie is stupid.
  • Why didn’t Abby pick an arrow that could kill Grimwood outright? Why wouldn’t you have arrows that kill vampires every time, all the time? Again, consistency.
  • “I thought vampires killed Whistler’s family” — no, a vampire killed Whistler’s family. As in singular.
  • “They did. I was born later out of wedlock” — translation: the producers were cheap and Kris Kristofferson charges by the hour, so they hired me just to say there’s a Whistler in this movie. And again, “He” As in singular.
  • Re: “out of wedlock.” Who says that anymore and isn’t an evangelist? Why did they need to say it like that? For that matter, why did Whistler never mention to Blade that he had another child? Why did Whistler never mention that he’s been working with the Nightstalkers on the side?
  • How are the Nightstalkers funded? That question is never really answered, and it’s a damn good question. At least in the first movie Blade explains that he robs familiars to barter/pay for supplies. How can the Nightstalkers afford vehicles, weapons, medical supplies, and facilities and resources for developing and testing a vampire super-virus, not to mention surgically-implanted tracking nodes and a f**king satellite to locate them on command? Does Bill Gates have a hard-on for vampires or something?
  • If there are thousands of vampires like King estimates, why is there only one active team of Nightstalkers?! Could it be that the reason you fail to make a dent in the hordes of darkness is because there are only three of you actively hunting and killing these things at any given time? I’m just saying, people, strength in numbers! Wake up those sleeper cells and get to work!
  • What was the point of that big f**k-off gun? They show it, explain what it does and then just put it back. Nobody ever uses it! It’s Chekhov’s gun that is literally a Chekhov’s gun.
  • If Hedges is right about Drake using small snakelike bones to shape-shift, how is he able to change his complexion, as well as radically alter the color, style, length, and texture of his hair?
  • Why does Abby listen to music while she hunts? In a combat situation where the slightest lapse in situational awareness could result in your bloody, vampirey death, why would you risk your chances of survival by hampering your sense of hearing? It’s just not practical.
  • What is the vampires’ goal? They kinda leave you to connect the dots only because the writing is so un-f**king-focused. They want Drake to kill Blade, but they also want Drake to help them become Daywalkers, but they also want to kidnap the homeless and harvest their blood. Only the first goal is ever developed past one or two scenes and the rest of it is just hand-waved away.
  • Speaking of the harvesting, they mention they abduct the homeless, yet at least one person they’ve sealed away for freshness is wearing a suit.
  • Why does Sommerfield even bother with a gun? It’s immediately obvious to anyone who looks at her that she’s blind as a bat, which makes being a crack shot rather difficult.
  • When did Sommerfield have time to make that “Message From Beyond The Grave?” It couldn’t have been during Drake’s attack, she was too busy making sure Zoe was safe and pointlessly blundering around the safe house with a handgun. It must have been right before, since she referenced the book she was reading to Zoe down to the most recent chapter. So why did she feel the need to make it? Did she have a psychic ability to predict her own death to compensate for a lack of sight?
  • Why is Abby practicing her archery while King and Zoe are captured and enduring God-knows-what? I know you might not particularly care for the wisecracking ass-clown (God knows I don’t), but show some urgency in rescuing the five-year-old, please!
  • How do the vampires know Blade’s planning a weapon? Drake couldn’t have deciphered Sommerfield’s notes on Daystar considering a) they’re most likely in Braille, and b) he’s been asleep for at least 100 years and has probably never seen so much as a cigarette lighter before this.
  • Why doesn’t King crack immediately under threat of turning? For that matter, why doesn’t Danica follow through on the threat? Why do they continue to beat him when it’s obvious he’s too stupid for pain to work?
  • Why does Abby shoot the lights out? Vampires can see in the dark. That accomplished nothing but further limiting her own senses along with that God-awful music she listens to while fighting.
  • The theatrical ending: how can Drake shape-shift if he’s dead?
  • The alternate ending: what’s Drake’s parting gift to Blade if he’s not taking his place on the slab? And if that’s really Blade in the morgue, where’s Drake?
  • The werewolf ending: was that seriously the best you could do? These things look like leftover costumes from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

 

 

I’m sure there was much, much more wrong with the movie than I found from just casual observation, but there you are. If you

find anything else, leave them in the comments below.


About Charlie Biggs

Charlie Biggs is the tall, dark, and devilishly handsome host, writer and co-producer of The Alarmed Show. A native of Brooklyn, NY, he enjoys music, movies, and books. Biggs lives in New Jersey with his wife and daughter.