Special Guest Post: Why You Need Steve Urkel in the Bedroom

A friend of Charlie Biggs posted something very interesting on Facebook some weeks ago. Intrigued as he was, he asked her to elaborate more. In the interest of discretion, Charlie’s friend prefers to be known as the Daughter of Omi. This is her story.

There’s nothing like someone new in your life to remind you what you do and don’t like. Just when you thought you had the list of wants and don’t wants down pat, the sheer variety of human behavior comes up with something we had forgotten about. This was the case for me after noticing after all was said and done, his socks were still on.

This isn’t even a want or a don’t want. This is a quirk. This is an annoying quirk that I hated since college with the same vehemence many women have for leaving the toilet seat up.

Stop it!

Stop it!

What are the reasons men do this?

Are his feet cold? Maybe.

Are his feet jacked up? Very possible. Men getting pedicures needs to be a much more popular occurrence. Many women have had thousand-year-old turtles sneak into bed with us under the guise of Jerome, Hank and Aaron.

Does it give women the impression that he’s not being emotionally present to the situation at hand? Hells yes.

This is a detested act because it gives the appearance that he’s about to jet off as soon as the act is done. The socks become a means for the man to curb his physical nudity, no matter how small, and thus his emotional vulnerability.

"Come back! I wanna cuddle!"

“Come back! I wanna cuddle!”

Not just the emotional significance, but style-wise it’s geeky as hell. It’s the grown-man version of a pocket protector and suspenders. If there’s ever a reason for a man to take off his socks during sex it’s this one: you’re Steve Urkeling-it in the bedroom. It’s unsexy in the bedroom and it takes points off.

The point system isn’t literal. While getting to know the men in my life I’ll employ a scale system to get to know them better (for example: on a scale of 1-10 how sexually monogamous are you? 10 being Hugh Hefner and 1 being a nun) I don’t give any man, say, 100, 200, or even 1,000 points for it to be whittled away or added upon by his merits and demerits. What I mean by the point system is, how does he make me feel? The stock goes up or down but it doesn’t have a fixed number. There’s no actual amount of any points taken off for keeping socks on during sex. If there had to be a number, it would still be small. It would have to be – it’s a highly impermanent situation ameliorated by requesting he takes off his socks.

There’s no “add 100 points for having a big d**k, deduct 120 for knowing all the words to Taylor Swift.” Nobody should be keeping track of a relationship like a jealous accountant. You just note how the person’s actions make you feel – positive, negative or negligible.

There are points for making me laugh, initiating the date; you get extra points when you take me someplace I’ve never experienced before. You get points when you text a chick “Good Morning” and ask how she slept. You get points for what you don’t do, such as when you don’t make someone feel like an animal for drooling on the bed sheets (or on them). He gets points for not going to sleep and forgetting about you after he’s cum and you haven’t. He gets points for putting in an extra half-hour of work whether by cunnilingus, fingering, what have you to make sure you get there, too.

Now, this sharp dip represents where he fell asleep right afterwards, but he managed to gain points back for making breakfast in bed.

Now, this sharp dip represents where he fell asleep right afterwards, but he managed to gain points back for making breakfast in bed.

The man in the beginning of this story didn’t go down in stock over the socks. He’s still positive on the scale because he’s there. He’s present. He has my best interests at heart. He shows up for me even in the not-so-best of times. He lets me have it in the most diplomatic ways. He encourages me and tells me I deserve good things and then acts like it.

I’m not an expert. There are a lot of people out here trying to get dollars by telling women what to do to get a man. There are scrupulous people trying to teach women self-esteem and empowerment through the guise of finding a man. I’m an expert in my own experiences and in them I’ve learned that the socks aren’t a huge deduction. They’re not the substance of a relationship. The most overwrought emotional FWB relationship I ever had was with an emotionally unavailable man who’s socks came off with the quickness. It was a huge gain to toss him aside. This man who kept his socks on has turned out to be the most stable and loving relationship that wasn’t defined by what we weren’t but what we meant to each other.

And that’s a bonus no matter how you look at it.

What do you think, Alarmers? Leave your comments below.