I can’t believe I have to do this. I can’t believe I have to address you guys directly. I don’t want to; I’m a diplomat by nature. But I’m also the host of The Alarmed Show, and so I am duty-bound to stir up trouble when and where I can. So here goes:
A lot of you guys are bums.
A suit. You would be surprised how many men don’t have a decent suit in their closet. I actually met one last year and looked at him like he was an old NES (“They still make you?”). The slim fit joints are pretty popular, but not everybody in our fat-ass country has the build to pull it off properly. Very few things in life upset me more than a suit that isn’t worn right. I saw Dane Cook on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last fall wearing a slim fit that he was clearly bursting out of and it took me three hours to regulate my blood pressure. Talk to the salesperson and have your suit altered, or go to the dry cleaner to get the job done. Every man has a different build, and the suit he wears should accommodate that. While we’re on the topic of suits, please with everything you do stop wearing them with sneakers and baseball caps unless you just happen to be a college athlete who just went pro. Footwear should be a nice pair of hard bottoms or even loafers (yes, I said loafers). As far as headwear, you can’t go wrong with a fedora, a Panama in warm weather or even nothing at all. Just don’t rock anything you might see on the field at Yankee-bloody-Stadium.
Good jeans. Like the suit, your jeans have to fit. When I was a teenager, the baggy look was popular. Dudes looked stupid. Going into my adulthood, skinny jeans gained prominence. Dudes looked stupid. A small guy like me couldn’t find jeans that fit because all you fashion sheep wanted to look like you borrowed pants from your girlfriend’s closet. A good pair of jeans should strike the balance – loose enough to breathe, but tight enough to show a little of what you’re working with. Ladies like their eye candy, too, so let ’em have it; they’ll like what they see and love what they don’t. And while we’re on the subject, stop that sagging s**t, please. It’s silly. It’s unsanitary (especially if you live in New York and ride the subway), and the vast majority of women don’t think it’s sexy. Seriously, I have never heard even one woman express any kind of interest in a man who sags his pants, so that just leads me to believe that you guys are only showing off your backsides to impress other men. If that’s what you want, go right ahead. I won’t judge you…
An iron. I feel ashamed to even put this on the list, but damn it, you guys have driven me to this. Under no circumstances should you be trying to get play from a woman wearing a shirt that looks like you slept in it. A woman can usually tell the difference between a fit with movement wrinkles and clothes that just have not been pressed at all. She will respond accordingly.
Breath fresheners. Fellas, you need to have this on you at all times, especially if you intend to invade a woman’s personal space and present your application. I used to chew gum, but it sticks to my fillings. Now I use mints. I’ve been spoken for for some time, so you’d think I’d take this cue to slack off a bit. Ummmmyeahok. I try to keep the dragon at bay as often as possible. You should, too. Always err on the side of caution with this, fellas.
Dental products. You would not believe how many women complain about men trying to talk to them with yukmouth. A breath mint will only take you so far; leave the house ahead of the game, fellas! Toothpaste! A toothbrush! Mouthwash! Floss! Why is this s**t so foreign to some of you cats?! Women love a man with a nice smile, and your smile is only as nice as your teeth. There’s no shame in getting partial dentures if you’re missing a tooth or two. Or five. Obamacare should have made this way more affordable for you. If worst comes to worst, see if you can’t track down a dental school near you. They usually do dental care cheap. The downside is you’ll be operated on by students, so you do get what you pay for…
Scents. Again, you would be surprised by how many people find things like fragrance and deodorant to be foreign concepts. In a country where running water, soap and cologne are widespread and readily available, why are there so many fellas who smell like they swim in the sewer? I understand that in some places, it gets pretty hot and people sweat. However, there is a world of a difference between day funk and year funk. People should not be bunching up on the other side of the train when you get on. Women are generally sensual beings, and one of the senses you should be most appealing to is her sense of smell.
Lotion. We see too many guys who need to get on a first-name basis with cocoa butter or petroleum jelly. Something. Ashiness is not the move. Lip balm should also be on you at all times. You don’t wanna run up on a woman looking like you do stunts for Tyrone Biggums.
Overall grooming kit. Nail clippers? Comb? Brush? Razor? Anyone? These are things that should be within arm’s reach the minute you step into the bathroom. A woman is usually turned off by long, dirty fingernails, messy hair, unkempt whiskers, and the like. Come correct, my dudes, or you won’t come at all.
Shoes. This is actually my Achilles’ heel (no pun intended). Having come up in the theater, I was told that if people are looking at your feet, you’re doing something wrong. Even doing The Alarmed Show requires me to be seated at a table, so my feet are hardly ever visible. Bottom line, sometimes my shoe maintenance game leaves a bit to be desired. Don’t let this happen to you, fellas. Keep some sneaker cleaner and/or polish on hand if you plan to go out. The ladies are checking the total package, and that includes your feet.
Believe me, I know what it’s like. I don’t always leave the house looking like a GQ cover, but when I step out, I step out. I was fortunate enough to be around people who could teach me how to dress to impress. It seems shallow, and it probably is, but the first thing a woman is exposed to when she meets a man is how he looks. Don’t you want to look presentable? A smart look is the difference between getting ten digits and getting one.
No need to thank me, fellas. This is what I do.